Comment for Dr. Cason: "playing house"
Dr. Cason,
My nephew is 12 and my great-niece is 7. They were being babysat by his mother and me playing video games and such. They got to playing house (this comes from my sister having a conversation with both of them very calmly after she walked in on him laying atop of her--both clothed). They said they were playing house and kissing and then it got carried to a next level of touching and then they went about their business playing and the "wife" sent the "husband" off to a baseball game (still playing house). My sister immediately called the girl's mother and told her what had happened, but her mother freaked out and now they've called the police and we don't know what is going to happen. I read a small blip that you posted about having a hard time knowing what is an abusive situation vs. play. Can you offer some resources that I can offer to both parents to read to help them understand whether this should be a police/CPS matter or a disciplinary, sit your child down and discuss matter? I truly do NOT believe in any way that this boy was trying harm this 7 year old. - Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for your question. I sympathize with your situation it must be hard for everyone including the children to understand what is going on.
It's a fine line to understand what is "abuse" verses innocent but nonetheless "inappropriate touching". Surely many factors need to be considered including the age of the children and the extent of the touching. You say with your great-niece and nephew it got carried to the next level of touching, so I'm left to assume that there was more involved. If any of the private areas - those normally covered by a bathing suit - are involved, then it is certainly inappropriate.
Most definitely both children need to be sat down with their respective parents and talked with. Having an open honest discussion fostering trust and receptiveness is imperative. Scaring the kids at this point and having them feel shameful and secretive is not likely to be helpful. It's a confusing world for children these days. Playing house and acting out situations are normal. Television and the media, in general, show very explicit material at times and it would be easy for a child to simulate what they see. How many times have we seen children pretending to "kill" each other and lie "dying" and then run off giggling to themselves? It's uncomfortable for me as a parent to watch that but completely understandable. I don't really believe that they are trying to hurt each other just as you don't believe that your nephew had ill intentions! But children need supervision and guidance. Your sister did the right thing in talking with the children immediately. And though the 7 year old should know that degree of touching is inappropriate, it's the twelve year old that bears more burden of responsibility. Remember that the two children are at different developmental stages and a twelve year old will have different curiosities. He really needs to know what is okay and what is not.
Having said all that, what you do now that the incident has occurred is varied. It’s the parent’s prerogative whether to call the police or Child Protective Services (CPS). But remember that if one of the parents goes to their pediatrician or tells someone of authority – such as a teacher - that person is required by law to contact CPS if they have reason to suspect abuse. Often this isn’t a question that is easily answered and hence why another impartial party needs to be involved. However scary it is to have CPS investigating the case, it’s their job to decide if there is anything to worry about. It’s helpful because it relieves the burden from the parents about making that judgment call. I’ve had many situations that I have referred turn out to be nothing and the case was closed. For more information on child sexual abuse or other forms of abuse, write to the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse, PO Box 2866, Chicago, IL 60690.
I wish you and your family good luck. Please let me know if there is anything else I can answer for you.
Sheila Cason MD
My nephew is 12 and my great-niece is 7. They were being babysat by his mother and me playing video games and such. They got to playing house (this comes from my sister having a conversation with both of them very calmly after she walked in on him laying atop of her--both clothed). They said they were playing house and kissing and then it got carried to a next level of touching and then they went about their business playing and the "wife" sent the "husband" off to a baseball game (still playing house). My sister immediately called the girl's mother and told her what had happened, but her mother freaked out and now they've called the police and we don't know what is going to happen. I read a small blip that you posted about having a hard time knowing what is an abusive situation vs. play. Can you offer some resources that I can offer to both parents to read to help them understand whether this should be a police/CPS matter or a disciplinary, sit your child down and discuss matter? I truly do NOT believe in any way that this boy was trying harm this 7 year old. - Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for your question. I sympathize with your situation it must be hard for everyone including the children to understand what is going on.
It's a fine line to understand what is "abuse" verses innocent but nonetheless "inappropriate touching". Surely many factors need to be considered including the age of the children and the extent of the touching. You say with your great-niece and nephew it got carried to the next level of touching, so I'm left to assume that there was more involved. If any of the private areas - those normally covered by a bathing suit - are involved, then it is certainly inappropriate.
Most definitely both children need to be sat down with their respective parents and talked with. Having an open honest discussion fostering trust and receptiveness is imperative. Scaring the kids at this point and having them feel shameful and secretive is not likely to be helpful. It's a confusing world for children these days. Playing house and acting out situations are normal. Television and the media, in general, show very explicit material at times and it would be easy for a child to simulate what they see. How many times have we seen children pretending to "kill" each other and lie "dying" and then run off giggling to themselves? It's uncomfortable for me as a parent to watch that but completely understandable. I don't really believe that they are trying to hurt each other just as you don't believe that your nephew had ill intentions! But children need supervision and guidance. Your sister did the right thing in talking with the children immediately. And though the 7 year old should know that degree of touching is inappropriate, it's the twelve year old that bears more burden of responsibility. Remember that the two children are at different developmental stages and a twelve year old will have different curiosities. He really needs to know what is okay and what is not.
Having said all that, what you do now that the incident has occurred is varied. It’s the parent’s prerogative whether to call the police or Child Protective Services (CPS). But remember that if one of the parents goes to their pediatrician or tells someone of authority – such as a teacher - that person is required by law to contact CPS if they have reason to suspect abuse. Often this isn’t a question that is easily answered and hence why another impartial party needs to be involved. However scary it is to have CPS investigating the case, it’s their job to decide if there is anything to worry about. It’s helpful because it relieves the burden from the parents about making that judgment call. I’ve had many situations that I have referred turn out to be nothing and the case was closed. For more information on child sexual abuse or other forms of abuse, write to the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse, PO Box 2866, Chicago, IL 60690.
I wish you and your family good luck. Please let me know if there is anything else I can answer for you.
Sheila Cason MD
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