First Day of School

Oh my gosh! There she went! She climbed aboard – with trepidation – that big yellow school bus and headed off to kindergarten. I cried and I’m still crying now. How did the time go by? I remember when she was born. How can that be? When she was a baby I had to work 36 hours at a time. I would pump my breast milk all day and night long, and I ached to hold her. I used to take her blankie to work with me and sleep with it. For every day of her almost 5 years of life I have fretted and worried. Even when I’ve had to go to work, I always knew exactly where she was. She doesn’t ever get more than 3 feet away from me. She holds my hand. She brushes my hair away from my face. She says, “Thank you mommy for making me dinner” and at random unexpected times she signs “I Love You” with her hand. And I’m supposed to just watch her climb onto a bus and hope that somehow it all works out? I’m supposed to hand her over to strangers and trust that the two of them will work it out?

Yes, I guess I am. It was harder than I thought it would be. I tried not to let her see me scared and nervous and teary. How do I tell her all the things I need to tell her? I want to warn her and keep her safe and innocent. I want her to explore but I want her to stay with me. She looked at me yesterday, with her bright blue eyes and asked, “What if the other girls don’t want to play with me?” And my heart broke because I know it’ll happen. Someone will do it to her. And as much as I don’t want it to happen she might do that to someone else.

I can’t stop her from making mistakes. I cannot protect her from feeling pain. It’s a very real and necessary thing about growing up. We cannot make some of the hard experiences easier. It’s just not within our power. We can be there for them, but we cannot do it for them. I would have gone in her place if I could. I love her that much that I’d endure a thousand “first day of school” days. But it’s her school, and it’s her life. Okay, okay I know she’s only in kindergarten but today it felt real to me. Today I saw a little person who will only get bigger and wiser and there’s nothing I can do to slow that down. I just have to wipe the tears away and enjoy her at each step.

Sheila Cason, MD