Using Your Nice Voice: How Not to Yell at Your Kids
It’s a struggle not to yell sometimes. Here are some tips I try to use. I didn’t include counting to ten because I never remember to count in the heat of the moment!1. Eat, sleep and exercise. This is first and foremost one of the most important tips for not yelling. If my needs are being met then I have infinitely more patience for my kids. Make sure that you’ve eaten and slept and exercised a little each day. Yelling offers a physical release for some people. Go for a run instead.
2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take a good look at what is important and what isn’t. Learn to ignore the little stuff such as bickering between siblings, nagging and silly questions. Kids are kids and by definition they are noisy and impulsive. Just realizing this can help you be more understanding.
3. Lower your expectations. Read up on what is developmentally appropriate. Remember that even though a two year old understands what you mean when you say no, they have no impulse control. Don’t expect that they won’t touch Aunt Edna’s precious vase – just move it.
4. Model good behavior. Sometimes I yell because the kids are yelling at me. You have to remember who the grownup is. You need to set the example of being in control. This is particularly helpful as the kids get older and are coming to terms with their own anger.
5. Be proactive. Plan for the little things, such as having a snack ready when your toddler all of a sudden gets hungry in the middle of grocery shopping. Keep extra clothes in the car if you know you may need them. It’s easier to go with the flow when you have a plan for life’s little emergencies.
6. Whisper. I like this one a lot because it keeps my blood pressure low. When my kids crinkle their faces and bend close, I can tell them what I want now that I have their attention.
7. Stop the perfection. Remember that “perfect is the enemy of good”. Life is to be enjoyed in all its wonder. When we get strive to be perfect we overshoot good and go straight to terrible. It’s okay to eat pasta two nights in a row. Do you really think your kids care? Skip the baths once in a while if it’s too late and just read books instead. It doesn’t all have to be by the book.
8. Learn to forgive. This means forgive yourself and your kids. There will be times when you just have had it and you yell. Take a step back and tell your child that you’re sorry. This doesn’t show that you’re weak just that you’re human. Chances are your child will appreciate it and it may help your relationship more than if you’d never yelled in the first place.
9. Become happy. Ever notice how happy people just exude happiness? Commit yourself to finding what fills you up! Outside of food, sleep and shelter we all need something that brings us joy. Is your love reading books or photography or playing with the kids? Make sure you do more of those things that bring pure joy.
10. Pretend that they’re not your kids. If you’re still yelling despite all the other techniques then just pretend they’re not yours. I’m serious about this one! I never yell at my patients because no parent would tolerate it and it’s not appropriate. So I just take a deep breath and repeat for the umpteenth, “Please go put your pajamas on.”
I would live to hear what works for you!
Sheila Cason, MD
Labels: parenting
4 Comments:
I really liked these tips. Most of them are common sense, but it is nice to have them pointed out. They are great reminders. I especially like the whispering suggestion -- this would make us have to get down to the child's level, which is better for them anyway, and really does get their attention that way (and helps the noise level tremendously).
I have a tangential question. How often is it necessary for kids to take a bath? Do you suggest everyday (unless, like you said, it is particularly late, then skip the bath and go straight to the books). I've always thought that it if fine to bathe them every other day (and when we're really short for time -- I let them go an extra day between baths). Unless they have really worked up a sweat, played in mud puddles, or it is has been an extremely hot day, I don't think it is necessary (my mother-in-law thinks differently, however, and this is kind of sore spot for us -- that and the necessity of ironing clothes, but I suppose your input on the latter isn't your specialty).
Thanks and I'll take my comment "off the air" as they say.
JSA-
I agree the suggestions are common sense but one I myself need to have pointed out a lot!
As for your other question...I need your e-mail so I can respond "off the air" as you posted directly to the column. :)
Sheila Cason
Dr. Cason,
My email is:
jsamezcua@gmail.com
I hope I didn't offend you when I said they were common sense -- so many things like that are common sense, but unless you've really thought it through it may not have occurred to you. It's weird how the obvious has to be pointed out sometimes.
I was just being cheeky about the "off the air" comment -- I really don't mind at all if you post it -- I was just trying to figure out a good way to sign off and that just occurred to me (because I listen to NPR all the time I hear that a lot).
I am the one that you gave this great reply to about children and constipation. My daughter, by the way, is doing much better. I have found that a combination of Miralax and Benefiber works really great. It took a little while for her to respond with just the Miralax (and the diapers were really, really hard to clean due to the consistency -- it was hard for my 2 year old to stay still so I could clean her well). Then I added Benefiber to bulk it up a little (Miralax one day and Benefiber the next) and that worked like a charm. Now she is very regular. She still has a hard time during the process (I think she is still afraid because she still associates evacuating with pain) so there is still a little bit of drama during the actual process, but we are on our way to regularity, finally!!! She turned 2 in August -- but I don't think I should start the potty training process until she has been regular for a longer period of time and she no longer has a negative association with it. I have the potties out so she has the option, but she hasn't showed any interest.
I've really enjoyed your posts -- about your new life in Guam and how you relate your experiences with your own children (and how you yourself aren't always perfect -- that always makes me feel better) and how you relate that to raising children. Of course I appreciate all the medical commentary as well.
When you have time I look forward to your response.
Best,
JSA
Jessica Swartz Amezcua
Oh! I wasn't offended just in agreement. it's funny my dad said the same thing. "Kinda common sense right?" "Right" I said. Aren't those usually the things we need to be most reminded of? It's so obvious I think we overlook it and go for something more obscure...and likely not to be the case!
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