Yelling: My New Norm?

This weekend my heart broke a little. We had just gotten back from swimming at the slide pool and the kids and I were all enjoying a little lunch. We were happy and tired from swimming. Everyone was quietly munching along, including me, when my oldest innocently between mouthfuls said:

“You yell a lot.”

“I yell a lot?”, I asked her, my eyes widening.

“Yes. You yell a lot on Guam.” And she returned to her meal.

Gulp…I swallowed hard and tears stung my eyes. I have to say this doesn’t come as a complete surprise to me. I am well aware that I yell…sometimes. With three kids I have to raise my voice just so that I can be heard above the noise. I didn’t enter into a discourse about why Mommy seems to be yelling more these days, but some retorts came immediately to mind.

1. I’m not yelling, I’m just talking very loud.

I called my own bluff on this. No one has ever told me I was overpowering them just by my voice alone. It was unlikely that my 4 year old was going to be the first.

3. I yell only because I’m protecting you and I have to get your attention.

Yes it’s true sometimes I yell when there is eminent danger and I have to get her attention fast. This happened numerous times when she was at the pool that day, but in all honesty this cannot be true most of the time.

2. You only think I yell more in Guam because I’m around you more.

This probably comes closest to the truth. Let’s say I yell 5% of the time. If I’m around them for only 2 hours a day then 5% is 6 minutes of yelling. Not too bad. I could do that just trying to get them out of the door in the morning. But if I’m around them for 14 hours then 5 % is 42 minutes. Hmmm…that’s 3 minutes every hour. That’s kind of a lot. I can see what she’s talking about.

It really bothers me that she thinks that I yell a lot. I can justify how it’s really not that much. But this is her perception. “Mommy yells a lot.” I’m not unrealistic. I know that it’s normal for parents to get frustrated and raise their voices but the truth is that it affects my children. So I looked at her and said, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m going to try to use my nice voice.”

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s column. We'll talk about tips you can use to help you keep your cool.

Sheila Cason, MD