How to Balance Work and Life

Are you like me? Are you constantly feeling pulled between work and life? The other night I was trying to get some work done and my oldest kept interrupting me. When I finally had enough I snapped at her and she started crying. I felt terrible of course and then gave her my undivided attention. She soon felt better and went to bed without any problems. Later that evening I stumbled across Stephen Covey’s blog post. How to Strike a Work and Life Balance. He said “…having a good work/life balance means that your actions and priorities are aligned in a way that is taking care of what is really important to you.” I fell asleep pondering this and woke up with a headache. I definitely wasn’t aligning my actions and priorities. I had to admit I was fractioning my time in too many places and I wasn’t taking care of what was the most important to me- my family.

That next morning, I cornered my husband on his way out the door. He’s honest and always willing to offer constructive feedback. Over a cup of coffee we discussed my priorities. Though I was practicing pediatrics part time I was still “working” more than ever. I had so much on my plate, even my hobbies felt like obligations. That morning he asked me what my goals were. What did I hope to accomplish? With my life? With my time? When I paused to answer questions that I had never asked myself, I knew it was time to scale back and focus on just a few things. I went back to Stephen Covey’s post for inspiration.

Covey hit home again. He said, “To a chronic multi-tasker everything is a task. Soon, the things in life that are really important to them are in the same list as everything else, and the only tasks that get done are the ones that have become urgent, but often aren’t very important.” The problem was that I was achieving just for the sake of achieving. I had a growing list of to dos and even that which was supposed to rejuvenate me felt like an obligation.

I slowed down and thought about what I would regret if I didn’t do. I thought about my life and discarded activities that kept me busy but didn’t contribute to my long range goals. If you commit to asking yourself what is really most important, then the little things that start to distract you- the urgent but not important tasks such as checking email, surfing the internet and blogging daily fall to the wayside. I discarded two of my three blogs, designing my website and slowed down with my parenting column. I kept my writing course and taking photos for fun. I also signed the girls up for soccer and started to volunteer in Gabby’s kindergarten class. I am focusing on organization so I have more time to play such as cooking meals that will give me leftovers for days.

Covey says there are no quick fixes and he’s right. It’s hard to change an achievement mentality. Ever since I was little I had a “goal.” Now I’m grown and I have to ask myself, “Now what is my goal and when do I actually reach it?” I have to ask myself, “How long do I delay gratification?” Do I vacation when I’m retired? When my kids are grown? When I’m no longer around?

I keep telling myself that people are more important than things and experiences are more important than material goods. When I focus on this, it becomes easier to align my work and life. I still worry that I’m not “producing” enough- whatever that means. But in 10 years I’ll look back and know that I went to their soccer games and read to their class. I have to tell myself that THIS is important. This moment. Right here. Right now.

Sheila Cason MD

The Importance of Family Vacations

Well we did it! After months of planning we headed off to Cairns, Australia in search of koalas and kangaroos. It’s been almost two weeks since we’ve been home but I can still smell the ocean air as we sailed our way to Green Island, taste the perfectly crispy fish and chips we ate by the pool nightly and feel the warm wet air as we hiked through the Daintree Rainforest. It took some patience to take a family of five to another country and I surely could have used the money for something that seems more tangible but studies show that this wouldn’t have made us happier.

Leaf Van Boven, an assistant psychology professor at the University of Colorado at Boulder, who has studied the topic of happiness and well-being, says that if you really want to be happier you need to stop buying more stuff and start doing more. "An orientation toward life experiences tends to make people happier than an orientation toward pursuing materialistic goods.”

Van Boven explains that this is because experiences are more open to positive reinterpretation. The appeals of purchases soon wither after acquisition but experiences quite literally get better with time. This process of positive reinterpretation means that you get to enjoy your vacation again and again even long after it’s over. I’ve already thought less of Jacob vomiting at the breakfast table and more of the magic butterfly dances and the sleepy koalas.

Another reason you should focus on experiences rather than buying objects is because “experiences are more central to one’s identity”. If you think back on who you are, most likely it’s because of what you’ve experienced and not what you’ve bought. That perfect sweater or cool bracelet didn’t make you who you are today and you certainly won’t remember it when you’re old and gray. We would do best to forgo that impulse to amass more materialistic goods and instead plan on using that money in learning to dive or ride a horse.

Because we’re in Guam and are lucky to have such proximity to different countries and their diverse cultures, we’re taking advantage of it. But, your next family vacation needn’t take you to another country; it can easily be a weekend in the woods camping. And you don’t have to spend a lot of money to fully appreciate the experience. Some of the best moments of our trip were the simplest. I can still see the look on my children’s faces when Jacob ate his first ice cream cone; Brianna held a butterfly and Gabby danced in the water fountain.

Don’t forgo certain life necessities in favor of experiences. We all need to prioritize and focus on what our family needs. But if you’re debating whether to buy a new car or save for that family vacation, go for the family vacation. Experiences will contribute more to you and your child’s happiness than buying the latest car model. Remember that your life is a collection of your experiences not your possessions. For more ideas on how to focus on more fun and less stuff go to the Center for a New American Dream.

Sheila Cason MD

Reference:Van Boven, Leaf To Do or to Have? That is the Question Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2003, Vol 85, No 6. 1193-1202

Oops! How Did That Get Up There?

I Love My Family

Here's my crew and I'm so grateful for the joy they bring to my life!

Saying "I Love You" never goes out of style. You can make a choice everyday to show love for your family. It's easy to become ensnared in the little details that make up our world. We can actually start to believe that a clean house or our job is more important than being present and kind to our loved ones.

Each year around Valentine's day the American Academy of Pediatrics publishes 14 Ways to show Love for Your Child. I wrote about it last year but it's worth repeating!

1. Use plenty of positive words with your child. Try to avoid using sarcasm with your child. They often don’t understand it, and if they do, it creates a negative interaction. 2. Respond promptly and lovingly to your child's physical and emotional needs and banish put-downs from your parenting vocabulary. 3.Make an extra effort to set a good example at home and in public. Use words like "I'm sorry," "please," and "thank you." 4.When your child is angry, argumentative or in a bad mood, give him a hug, cuddle, pat, secret sign or other gesture of affection he favors and talk with him about his feelings. 5.Use non-violent forms of discipline. Parents should institute both rewards and restrictions many years before adolescence to help prevent trouble during the teenage years. Allowing children of any age to constantly break important rules without being disciplined only encourages more rule violations. 6.Make plans to spend time alone with your young child or teen doing something she enjoys. 7.Mark family game nights on your calendar so the entire family can be together. Put a different family member's name under each date, and have that person choose which game will be played that evening. 8.Owning a pet can make children, especially those with chronic illnesses and disabilities, feel better by stimulating physical activity, enhancing their overall attitude, and offering constant companionship. 9.One of the best ways to familiarize your child with good food choices is to encourage him to cook with you. Let him get involved in the entire process, from planning the menus to shopping for ingredients to the actual food preparation and its serving. 10.As your child grows up, she'll spend most of her time developing and refining a variety of skills and abilities in all areas of her life. You should help her as much as possible by encouraging her and providing the equipment and instruction she needs. 11.Your child's health depends significantly on the care and guidance you offer during his early years. By taking your child to the doctor regularly for consultations, keeping him safe from accidents, providing a nutritious diet, and encouraging exercise throughout childhood, you help protect and strengthen his body. 12.Help your child foster positive relationships with friends, siblings and members of the community. 13. One of your most important gifts as a parent is to help your child develop self-esteem. Your child needs your steady support and encouragement to discover his strengths. He needs you to believe in him as he learns to believe in himself. Loving him, spending time with him, listening to him and praising his accomplishments are all part of this process. 14. Don't forget to say, "I love you" to children of all ages! Sheila Cason MD

Neglect in Children

Dear Dr. Cason,

Child Protective Services has just placed my Cousin-in-law's son with me after years of abuse and neglect. He is 4 years old and has epilepsy, but has not been to his neurologist in a year. He is very skinny, you can feel every bone in his body and his spine and shoulder blade are very pronounced. You can see all of his ribs, and his stomach sticks out. His head is very large for his body. I am trying to get him in to a specialist since his neurologist has retired, but his medical records have become trapped somewhere in the CPS system. Do you have any advice or recommendations until I can get him in? He eats so much; I don't know if he was underfed or if there is some underlying problem.

Thanks, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m happy to see that Child Protective Services has placed this little boy with you. You obviously care about his well being and are looking into his various medical issues. If he is actively having seizures, then he needs a medical exam now- even if that means taking him into your local Emergency Room. If he is not actively seizing and appears thin but well then you can take him to your local pediatrician or family practitioner. Child Protective Services can point you in the right direction if you can't find one. Don't worry about not having his medical records right now just take him for the exam. As a general pediatrician I have often seen children within the foster care system. The majority didn’t have their medical records and I did the best I could to reconstruct their medical history and start the appropriate treatment.

Without a physical exam and a detailed medical history, it’s hard to say exactly whether the child’s thin appearance is due to an underlying medical issue or is simply related to neglect. His large head size could be related to his seizure disorder or could appear large in relation to his small stature. When the brain is actively growing in size – up until two years of age - the calories will specifically be used first for head growth then stature and lastly weight.

Neglect, even treated, can have significant ramifications. The National Academies Press, in the online book titled: (1993) Commission on Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, states that Even after diagnosis and treatment, the psychological consequences of emotional neglect persist. Some studies suggest that certain signs of severe neglect (such as when a child experiences dehydration, diarrhea, or malnutrition without eceiving appropriate care) may lead to developmental delays, attention deficits, poorer social skills, and less emotional stability.

So we will have to wait to see what his future holds for him. In the meantime he is lucky to be in a stable home and receiving the specific care he needs. To help increase your foster child's weight, please see my article labeled Tips on Mealtime and your Underweight Child for some specific recommendations. I wish you and your family well. No doubt that it will be a difficult time for everyone. Please let me know if I can answer any other questions.

Sheila Cason MD