Twelve Alternatives to Lashing Out at Your Child

I always expected to adore my children. I had visions of cooing over every cute look and phrase they uttered. We’d spend the day walking hand in hand down the beach and later cuddle over book in front of the fire. What I didn’t expect was the tears and screams- theirs and mine. What I didn’t expect was to clasp my hands in desperation and pray fiercely for patience. And when that doesn’t work, I hide in the bathroom, taking deep breaths before they come banging on the door.

In the spirit of Child Abuse Prevention Month, may you find your coping mechanism. Here are some tips.

1. Take a deep breath... and another. Then remember you are the adult. Children are little and look to you for guidance.

2. Close your eyes and imagine you're hearing what your child is about to hear. This can stop you cold.

3. Press your lips together and count to 10... or better yet, to 20.

4. Put your child in a time-out chair (remember this rule: one time-out minute for each year of age.)

5. Put yourself in a time-out chair. Think about why you are angry: is it your child, or is

your child simply a convenient target for your anger?

6. Phone a friend. It helps just to say, I’m going crazy!! My friends laugh and remind me that this too shall pass.

7. If someone can watch the children, go outside and take a walk. My husband and I will take turns giving each other a break.

8. Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.

9. Hug a pillow.

10. Turn on some music. Sometimes it drowns out the screaming!

11. Pick up a pencil and write down as many helpful words as you can think of. Post it on the refrigerator and refer to it often.

12. Admit to you child that you need some space. I say this a lot and amazingly it works… sometimes.

Adapted from the website: Prevent Child Abuse America.

Memories

I wonder what my children will remember.

Will it be the rushed mornings as we run out the door? Regularly I call to Gabby to check if the bus has come. A loud noise rumbles by and I shout, " Is that the bus honey?"

"No Mommy, it's the trash tuck!" She always exclaims.

They sound amazingly similar to me.

Or will they remember that daily, just before that, I always brush their hair. Will they remember that I kiss the top of their heads after the loose strands are all tucked away.

I know that I think I'll remember. Of course I'll remember, for it is stuck in my mind and repeated day after day. But I know that I too will forget.

Maybe when we are older and sharing a cup of coffee, they'll remind me and we'll all laugh about how Mommy used to confuse the bus with the trash truck.

And I'll smile as I laugh and remember the smell of their hair...

Sheila Cason MD

A Late Night at the ER

Jacob breathing 60 times a minute prompted a late night ER visit yesterday. After a round of Albuterol (he kept crinkling his nose in bewilderment), a dose of Prelone (he let it dribble out) and a chest X-ray (Whew! Just viral), we were on our way back home.

Now I'm counting breaths, watching for fevers and wrestling with the metered dose inhaler. As you can see, he likes to disassemble it and put in his mouth!

Here's what happened when I took it away:

I spent the next 15 minutes trying to get him calmed down so he wouldn't flare his lungs... or throw up!


Sheila Cason, MD

End Power Struggles with your Child

Oh my goodness! I can’t believe it! Yet another struggle with my three year old. We were all doing fine until she refused to put on pajamas. I gave her two chances and then before you knew it, she was in bed crying, without having read books. And I’m left being the big bad mean Mommy! Will it never end?

I must really need to work through this issue, because here I am writing about it again. And if you were a fly on the wall you’d have heard me talking about it yesterday as well. During a well baby check for a sweet innocent 9 month old, the conversation drifted to her three year old brother. Nooo… I didn’t push, it went there naturally. We talked a lot of patience and lingered over the issues of parenting with love, compassion and consistency. They left profusely thanking me for the advice. But really it is them I should thank. Talking through these tough issues also helps me.

Life with children can be delightful and yet despairingly difficult at times. But you have to remember that if you want to end power struggles with your child, you need to ignore the bait. I’m not always that good at resisting. I just open my mouth, close it and start screaming when the hook gets stuck. Agghh! But if you can manage to stay strong, calm and centered as the storm rages around you, you can talk when it dies down.

But if you do take the bait, like I just did, wait until you’re both calm and then talk with them. Not more than 15 minutes ago my little girl came back up to me and wanted to talk. I picked her up and hugged her. We talked softly, looking at each other, our noses almost touching. I told her I needed to work on listening. You know what she said? “I need to work on listening too.” I hugged her to me and I talked and listened some more. She’s now fast asleep and as I look at her young little self, I can’t help but be sad that we argued. She makes me want to be a better Mommy.

Sheila Cason, MD

Supportive Parents Linked to Good Grades

By Marie Hunt

Mommy MD Staff Writer

There have been numerous recent studies that focus on factors in children's performance in school. Socio-economic status, ethnicity, and many other factors were taken into account, but one factor consistently predicted whether or not a child would do well in school: parental support.

It has been found that, in most cases, the more positive support a child receives from the adults in their lives, the better their grades. It has even been found that the greater the number of adults in the child's family that were deemed supportive, the better the child's overall performance. Various studies have measured grades, social skills, and even level of physical activity. All were found to have positive links to parents who were involved in the child's education, attended events, and provided verbal encouragement. Long term studies found that instances of delinquency in children who received parental support and discipline were significantly fewer than in those who had not.

John Sanregret, the principal of a Michigan school, has found that parental involvement is not only beneficial for students, but is absolutely necessary. He recommends that parents remain a part of their child's education all the way through high school by studying with them at home and, when possible, volunteering at their school.

References

http://www.mininggazette.com/stories/articles.asp?articleID=9735

Michael E. Woolley, Gary L. Bowen (2007). In the Context of Risk: Supportive Adults and the School Engagement of Middle School Students. Family Relations 56 (1), 92–104.

Lennart Raudsepp (2006). The relationship between socio-economic status, parental support and adolescent physical activity. Acta Paediatrica 95 (1), 93–98.

John Paul Wright, Francis T. Cullen (2001). Parental Efficacy and Delinquent Behavior: Do Control and Support Matter? Criminology 39 (3), 677–706.

School Performance

Today my little kindergartner made a difference in my life! This afternoon we all gathered for their Christmas performance followed by a “World Feast” aka “Parent Potluck". They sang and danced and recited poems. And like every other parent in the room we recorded everything!

The highlight definitely was the finale: "The Wind Beneath My Wings”. As my little girl sang and signed her sweet face just kept looking at me. As they finished they all ran over and gave us an “I love you” medal. There were puddles of tears everywhere!

I’m so grateful for her teacher for working so hard to get them ready. My daughter left that program talking about having love in your heart. I know she heard this from her teacher. Thank you Mrs. Alig, you have a lot of love in your heart!

Sheila Cason, MD

Children, Blankies and Thumb Sucking

All three of my children have a special blankie, two are thumb suckers and one is a nail biter. I’m not surprised, these are typical coping mechanisms children use for stressful situations. I not only allow, but encourage children to develop what coping mechanism works for them …and is socially and developmentally appropriate.

As a busy mom and wife and pediatrician, I have had to learn over and over again how to cope. Our parental responsibility is to help our children foster appropriate coping skills. One of the best ways we can do this is by simply teaching them to communicate. They can then carry this skill into the world to manage other stressful situations. It can help them deal with hurt feelings, loneliness and fear.

We all need coping mechanisms. We just need to encourage ourselves and our children to develop ones that are healthy. Writing has been a big stress reliever for me. Just getting my thoughts down on paper actually helps me clarify what I need. Two glasses of wine and some ibuprofen might be more fun but not as effective. So as I hone my coping skills, I’ll let them hone theirs. If I start to see them dragging their blanket around Linus-like, or if they are still sucking their thumb… in public… at fourteen, I’ll have to set some limits. Until then I’ll keep waiting and watching.

Sheila Cason, MD

What Are the Long Term Affects of Daycare?

By Marie Hunt

Mommy MD Staff Writer

A study on the long term affects of different forms of childcare has been conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD). The study, beginning in 1991, involved a group of children whose behavior was followed from the age of 4 1/2 to sixth grade. Looking at teachers' reports, researchers found that, in general, children who had attended day care as opposed to staying home with a parent, nanny, family member, etc. were more likely to be cited for disruptive behavior. These results, however, was drawn from the data of children who had attended any day care. The NICHD's study, however, took into account what kind of care the children recieved. Childcare facilities were given a rating from between one and four based on factors such as quality of environment and child to caregiver ratio. Children who had attended what was deemed a high quality daycare center showed little difference in behavior from a child receiving care at home. It was shown that behavioral concerns later on were linked with children who had attended poor quality centers. Researchers also noted in this study that children benefited from attending a high quality center in that their vocabulary scores were higher than that of the children receiving care at home. These higher vocabulary scores in children that had attended high quality daycare facilities remained consistent throughout the study.Aside from these factors, researchers took into account what kind of parenting all of the children involved in the study received, and it was concluded that later behavior was far more strongly associated with parenting than childcare type.

References

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007.01021.x

http://www.slate.com/id/2162876

Day Care and Children

Can you guess which part of my day is my favorite? Easy huh? It’s when I walk in my children’s daycare and the welcome hugs knock me off my feet. I hold them and take in their sweet smiles and warm bodies. I spend some time chatting with their care providers and seeing how the day went.

It wasn’t always easy to accept that others would be taking care of my children. I used to feel a lot of guilt about putting them in daycare. I fussed and fretted and eventually tried a lot of different scenarios. Over and over I have found that my favorite was a licensed daycare. But that’s what works for my family. I see too many parents trying to make a decision about their childcare based on some one else’s needs, expectations and opinions. Like most things in parenting, ultimately you’ll need to decide what is right for you based on your unique situation.

I’ve trusted my gut and it’s been working out very well. If I ever wonder what my child is doing, I just look at their daily report. Here’s a peek at yesterday’s report for my 19 month old toddler. (I’ve summarized)

• He was happy, active, chatty and independent.
• He did dramatic play, music and movement, art and creative block building.
• He did story and circle time and outdoor play.
• He enjoyed pouring the water with the cups at the water table.
• He danced to music and played dress–up.
• He pretended to feed a baby doll bread and then wiped its mouth with a paper towel.
• He ate yogurt, chicken nuggets, oranges, potatoes, ketchup, bread and a muffin.
• He drank water, milk and apple juice.
• He slept from 12:10 to 2:00 pm.
• He had plenty of wet diapers and even a poppy one.
• He brushed his teeth.

Do I still worry about my kids? Sure, but not so much anymore. How could I not be happy with a daycare provider that watches my child feed a dolly and then tells me about this little bit of sweetness? My children love their “school”. They give hugs hello and kisses goodbye. I have such gratitude for these kind and generous souls who love my children and keep them safe, so that I may go and keep other children safe. Trust your instincts and give each person, including yourself, the dignity of making their own choice. I’m happy with mine.

Sheila Cason, MD

The Highest Appreciation

Today, for the first time in weeks, I felt relaxed. I was at Ritidian Beach in the northern tip of Guam. It’s a quiet secluded area and a perfect spot to unwind.

I’m a doer and if I don’t have a lot of busywork, well that’s no problem, I’ll jump in and create some. I’ve definitely been doing that. I’ve been so thankful for my extra time, that I’ve been slowly filling it up so that everything important to me is squeezed to the side and then I’m just as busy as before.

It can be difficult to stop.

As I took some deep breaths, I focused on the sand’s grainy texture, the cool water and the warm sun. JFK once said, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” It’s a hard task for a parent to remember, but one that will ultimately give us great joy.

How I use public restrooms on shopping trips with the kids.

Sometimes just going to the restroom is a challenge. But not when you squeeze them in the same cart and bring the cart with you!

Sheila Cason, MD

Inappropriate Touching - Is it Child Sexual Abuse?

Question for Mommy MD:

Dear Dr. Cason,

I’m not sure where to start. I have a 4 year old little girl who pulled her cousins pants down a couple of days ago. I marked it as just curiosity and took the chance to open the floor for questions.

Then today I caught her with the same cousin who is two. He had his pants down and was lying on the floor; she had her mouth on him. I’m so full of mixed feelings and have asked her all kinds of questions. She said no one has done this to her or told her to do it. I can’t imagine when it could have happened but I do plan on having her checked.

But my question is:

Is it possible that this is still curiosity or is this a symptom of being molested and how can I get her to tell me?

I am a survivor of rape that took place for 13 years. I have always been protective, and I just don’t understand how it would have gotten pass me if someone had done this to her. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I’m sorry for your pain at this difficult time. It must be hard to suspect something and yet not know what the future holds for your child and your life. We all want to feel that our children
are 100% safe and when something threatens that, it’s devastating.

I can tell you that I am suspicious. Children are very curious at this age and it can be difficult to tell when a child is merely playing or actually imitating something she’s seen or been required to perform. But it sounds concerning enough that you must go see your pediatrician and they will refer you to the nearest facility that is trained to investigate such cases. They will help you to make sense of her actions. There is no way to “make” her tell you. In fact I would avoid overly questioning her. As pediatricians, we are trained as well to not overly question a young child. You want her response to be authentic and not merely a regurgitation of comments that are made to her. Your local Child Protective Services (CPS) is specialized in the interview process. Yes there is a specific way you must ask the question as to avoid leading the child or influencing her response. For this reason I leave the interview for the experts.

For yourself, as a survivor of sexual abuse there are many issues that you will need to work through. I hope that this has happened for you already. If not please seek counseling. There are wonderful individuals that can help you heal. Also know that you can be your child’s biggest advocate. You’ll have to balance your emotions in this transitional time until you find the answers. But trust the experts and talk with your pediatrician.

I’m glad that you took this opportunity to discuss and answer deeper questions with your child. No matter how this turns out, you’ll need to continually do this with her. I’ve had a lot of people, particularly women with a history of molestation, feel uncomfortable bringing up “private” issues. As parents we need to get over this. A penis is a penis, and a vagina is a vagina. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the words or the parts of the body. But they are private and kids need to be taught what’s appropriate. This way they can recognize when something doesn’t
seem right and tell an adult that they trust.

Please see my previous articles on “Playing House” and “Child Sexual Abuse”. I have listed signs that may be present when someone is sexually abused. I wish you and your little girl well. Please don’t hesitate to ask any further questions.

For more information on child sexual abuse or other forms of abuse, write to:

The National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse
PO Box 2866
Chicago, IL 60690.

Sheila Cason, MD

Parenting Blog Finalists

Ok, have you gone through the list of finalists that I put out last week on Parenting Blogs? I’ve reviewed them and have to say honestly all the blogs nominated in the parenting blog for the 2007 Weblog Awards were inspiring. They all were a little different and just when I thought I wouldn’t like the blog – I started to read and was won over. Parenting with humility... brilliant. I need to take some time off just to grab some coffee, laugh and enjoy. It’s exactly what a parent needs, comic relief and a little understanding. Please take a moment and peruse at your leisure. You’ve got another day to vote if you haven’t had a chance. I won’t bias you with my selection. But feel free to tell me who made your list.

Sheila Cason, MD

Mommy MD

I really need to stop referring to myself in the third person. Come here honey and let “Mommy” help you. Bring it to “Mommy” please. “Mommy’s busy, wait a second please.” What started out as a helpful reminder that I was indeed their mother – and that I was perfectly okay, actually delighted with them calling me mommy- has turned into a habit. My kids don’t seem to mind or notice that this is bizarre. No family member has taken me aside. But it’s gotten out of hand.

I am a Mommy MD. But I try to keep my mothering out of the exam room. I know their parent is there and very adept at figuring out their child. I don’t try to usurp the parent’s authority. I don’t tell my patients to straighten up and stop whining and crying, and I let their parents soothe their hurt feelings. But lately I’ve had to control the impulse to say “Okay honey, now open your mouth so mommy can see”.

I think I’ve been working too much. I miss my kids.

Sheila Cason, MD

Toddler Tantrums

Every year there’s the inevitable question of just when I should throw out the Halloween candy? Our basket of candy is an amalgam of excess candy I bought and my three little critters’ candy. It’s easier just to throw it all in one pile and let ‘em duke it out. I’m sure in the years to come that’ll be disastrous but it seems to be working right now. Sort of.

Last year the baby was a baby and sweet enough. No candy, of course, passed his lips. Now he’s a pro. He makes the sign for candy to anyone who’ll listen. Tonight he threw a fit and usually I do what any respectful pediatrician and experienced mom does – totally ignore it. I’ve been known to step over kids’ flailing bodies and keep on walking. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. He’s too young to reason with and too little to control himself.

Well, tonight after bath and a good tooth scrubbing he started to reach for his sister’s lollipop. Never a good idea with toddlers- they could fall and impale their little mouth, not to mention I had just got them all clean and it was bedtime. So I pulled it away and oh, did he take exception to that! In fact he started screaming so hard and so long that I was afraid of moving from tantrum, to puke fest and then to bath time all over again. I resorted to a little trick I tell my patients but have never had to use before: I started clapping my hands and yelled for my oldest to start flicking the lights off and on. I’m happy to say it worked like a charm. He paused and started gazing up and around wide eyed and mouth open. In no time he was tucked in bed and down for the night.

If we have a repeat performance tomorrow night, the candy is gone!

Sheila Cason, MD

Parenting Blogs

I’m a newbie. My blogs are just simple rambling about my kids and the practice of pediatrics. I thought pediatrics and motherhood would be easy. Well, not really easy per se, but not this hard. Not “If I curled up and died right now at least I could get some sleep” kind of hard. So nearly every day I write to make sense of it all. I have no prizes to give away, no gossip to dish, no foul language to vent (at least not publicly). I’m not driven by money or fame. That’s good since there is neither at this time. I tell only my story. Oh and a little of my kids’ stories. Just when I’m really tired from seeing patients for 10 hours a day I remind myself of why I like to blog.

1. I like to write. Nothing profound about this; I just like to write. But the grammar stuff is killing me. I like to throw around a lot of commas. They can not all be right. I’m not offended if you correct me. Please correct me!

2. I like to remember. I save a lot of useless stuff just so I can never forget. Drives my husband nuts. The fact that I’m writing and chronicling my memories makes me feel relieved. I know I’ll remember tiny details that’ll make me weep when I’m old and gray…Forget old and gray, I’m weeping now.

3. I like to talk with other parents. I like to peek into their crazy beautiful world. . When I laugh at their antics, I’m suddenly normal. My mommy pressure valve slowly lets it’s air out.

4. It makes me think. I’ve learned gobs about pediatrics and kids just researching all my columns. It takes days to compile some research, others just hours. It’s all good. I’m a better pediatrician and mother because of it.

5. It’s cheap but effective therapy. Between my thoughts, family and girlfriends I’m staying sane one day at a time.

I’m trying to remember why I do this. Is anyone reading? Does it make a difference? Well I’m reading it and it makes a difference to me. So the fact that I didn’t make the finalist selection for The 2007 Weblog Awards isn’t so bad. The bloggers who did make it are phenomenal. I’m humbled. They are articulate and funny and sad. They make me want to read more and write more. This week I’ll go through the finalists and let you know what I think.

• Antique Mommy http://antiquemommy.com/

• Notes from the Trenches http://www.notesfromthetrenches.com/

• Bub and Pie http://bubandpie.blogspot.com/

• Amalah http://www.amalah.com/

• LookyDaddy http://www.lookydaddy.com/

• Finslippy http://finslippy.typepad.com/

• Hollywood Flakes http://hollywoodflakes.blogspot.com/

• Dad Gone Mad http://www.dadgonemad.com/

• "I think this world is perfect..." http://www.ithinkthisworldisperfect.com/

• Postcards from the Mothership http://danigirl.ca/blog

Sheila Cason, MD

Using Your Nice Voice: How Not to Yell at Your Kids

It’s a struggle not to yell sometimes. Here are some tips I try to use. I didn’t include counting to ten because I never remember to count in the heat of the moment!

1. Eat, sleep and exercise. This is first and foremost one of the most important tips for not yelling. If my needs are being met then I have infinitely more patience for my kids. Make sure that you’ve eaten and slept and exercised a little each day. Yelling offers a physical release for some people. Go for a run instead.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take a good look at what is important and what isn’t. Learn to ignore the little stuff such as bickering between siblings, nagging and silly questions. Kids are kids and by definition they are noisy and impulsive. Just realizing this can help you be more understanding.

3. Lower your expectations. Read up on what is developmentally appropriate. Remember that even though a two year old understands what you mean when you say no, they have no impulse control. Don’t expect that they won’t touch Aunt Edna’s precious vase – just move it.

4. Model good behavior. Sometimes I yell because the kids are yelling at me. You have to remember who the grownup is. You need to set the example of being in control. This is particularly helpful as the kids get older and are coming to terms with their own anger.

5. Be proactive. Plan for the little things, such as having a snack ready when your toddler all of a sudden gets hungry in the middle of grocery shopping. Keep extra clothes in the car if you know you may need them. It’s easier to go with the flow when you have a plan for life’s little emergencies.

6. Whisper. I like this one a lot because it keeps my blood pressure low. When my kids crinkle their faces and bend close, I can tell them what I want now that I have their attention.

7. Stop the perfection. Remember that “perfect is the enemy of good”. Life is to be enjoyed in all its wonder. When we get strive to be perfect we overshoot good and go straight to terrible. It’s okay to eat pasta two nights in a row. Do you really think your kids care? Skip the baths once in a while if it’s too late and just read books instead. It doesn’t all have to be by the book.

8. Learn to forgive. This means forgive yourself and your kids. There will be times when you just have had it and you yell. Take a step back and tell your child that you’re sorry. This doesn’t show that you’re weak just that you’re human. Chances are your child will appreciate it and it may help your relationship more than if you’d never yelled in the first place.


9. Become happy. Ever notice how happy people just exude happiness? Commit yourself to finding what fills you up! Outside of food, sleep and shelter we all need something that brings us joy. Is your love reading books or photography or playing with the kids? Make sure you do more of those things that bring pure joy.

10. Pretend that they’re not your kids. If you’re still yelling despite all the other techniques then just pretend they’re not yours. I’m serious about this one! I never yell at my patients because no parent would tolerate it and it’s not appropriate. So I just take a deep breath and repeat for the umpteenth, “Please go put your pajamas on.”

I would live to hear what works for you!

Sheila Cason, MD

Yelling: My New Norm?

This weekend my heart broke a little. We had just gotten back from swimming at the slide pool and the kids and I were all enjoying a little lunch. We were happy and tired from swimming. Everyone was quietly munching along, including me, when my oldest innocently between mouthfuls said:

“You yell a lot.”

“I yell a lot?”, I asked her, my eyes widening.

“Yes. You yell a lot on Guam.” And she returned to her meal.

Gulp…I swallowed hard and tears stung my eyes. I have to say this doesn’t come as a complete surprise to me. I am well aware that I yell…sometimes. With three kids I have to raise my voice just so that I can be heard above the noise. I didn’t enter into a discourse about why Mommy seems to be yelling more these days, but some retorts came immediately to mind.

1. I’m not yelling, I’m just talking very loud.

I called my own bluff on this. No one has ever told me I was overpowering them just by my voice alone. It was unlikely that my 4 year old was going to be the first.

3. I yell only because I’m protecting you and I have to get your attention.

Yes it’s true sometimes I yell when there is eminent danger and I have to get her attention fast. This happened numerous times when she was at the pool that day, but in all honesty this cannot be true most of the time.

2. You only think I yell more in Guam because I’m around you more.

This probably comes closest to the truth. Let’s say I yell 5% of the time. If I’m around them for only 2 hours a day then 5% is 6 minutes of yelling. Not too bad. I could do that just trying to get them out of the door in the morning. But if I’m around them for 14 hours then 5 % is 42 minutes. Hmmm…that’s 3 minutes every hour. That’s kind of a lot. I can see what she’s talking about.

It really bothers me that she thinks that I yell a lot. I can justify how it’s really not that much. But this is her perception. “Mommy yells a lot.” I’m not unrealistic. I know that it’s normal for parents to get frustrated and raise their voices but the truth is that it affects my children. So I looked at her and said, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m going to try to use my nice voice.”

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s column. We'll talk about tips you can use to help you keep your cool.

Sheila Cason, MD

Family Outings

We spent this weekend immersed in a little bit of island culture. It was the annual Micronesian Island Fair at Ypao Beach Park, and it highlighted 10 island groups of Micronesia including Guam. My girls were particularly fascinated by the dancers. The music was hypnotic, and they couldn’t help but move with the groove. They kept running in and out of the crowds trying to get closer to the stage. I had to keep running after them. It was exhausting at times trying to balance keeping them safe and close to me and yet letting them explore.

When you have young kids it’s tempting to stay home a lot. After a week of work and school, it’s nice to stay in and have no agenda. I mean, lets face it, sometimes the thought of bringing changes of clothes, diapers, strollers, snacks, drinks, blankies and all the other paraphernalia is too much! I just want to order pizza and open a bottle of wine. I have to fight the urge to do this all of the time though. Kids learn how to behave in restaurants and public places by actually going there, getting it all wrong and being corrected. When we first moved here, my kids went crazy in restaurants. No kidding, I would spend all my time pulling kids out from under the table and explaining why screaming songs from The Little Mermaid was inappropriate!

The more we venture out for little outings, the better we get at it. First and foremost, we’ve lower our expectations. Just getting out of the house for a change of pace is usually our goal. We usually go for outings in the morning before naps or in the afternoon after they wake up from naps. Whatever we do, we only plan to be gone for a couple of hours at a time. And when the crying becomes overwhelmingly consistent, regardless of what we are doing, we start our trek home. All in all it’s getting better, and we’re still having fun!

Sheila Cason, MD

Redirection

Since I started work last week it’s harder to get out of the door in the morning! Seriously I get up an hour early and somehow I’m running around at the last minute trying to get three kids out of the door. I definitely think it’s harder now than when the kids were babies. At least then you could strap them safely in their car seats and go. When they get older they have their own agenda!

With only a few minutes to spare in the morning I usually ask my oldest to go brush her teeth. I ‘m amazed when I pause to watch her and see the manner in which she gets distracted on the way to the bathroom. I can almost hear her thoughts, “oops, I dropped my sock…oh what’s that on the floor… oh it’s my dolly, well she needs to go for a nap before I go... hmmm… I wonder where her clothes are?” And on and on it goes until I find her rummaging in the closet for her dolly’s clothes.

The funny thing is even if I’m standing next to her while she’s brushing her teeth she gets distracted. By the nature of their young age, kids will need to be redirected. I try to remember that kids can’t be nagged to death. They hear several hundreds requests per day. By the end of the day - or in my case by the beginning of the day – kids can tune out a parent’s voice. Sometimes talking isn’t the best answer. Often using gentle friendly reminders help; put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and hand it to her.

Between gentle reminders and streamlining the process, I know it’ll get better. One mom I know used to have her kids go to sleep with their school clothes on. Some might think that’s overkill or at the very least ridiculous. Me? I think it’s positively brilliant!

Sheila Cason, MD

Parenthood: An Awesome Responsibility

“Mommy!! If you don’t give me something to eat… then I’m not eating!”, my daughter said it forcefully, with a little pout and anger in her voice. It seems I had become distracted and she’d been waiting for breakfast a little too long. Guilt washed over me and I rushed into my kitchen to put some food in her tummy.

Our child’s complete and utterly dependence on us is shocking at times. They depend on us for everything. If I don’t feed them they don’t eat. If I don’t bathe them they don’t get clean and if I don’t watch them they don’t stay safe. Besides basic survival skills they also need us to help them negotiate the confusing nature of life. The other day I had to try to explain a spirit to my child. That was a challenge. What we teach them is critical in helping them grow into responsible good human beings. If you’re anything like me you sort of knew what you were getting into but when it came down to it you really had no clue.

To parent effectively we have to be a relatively stable healthy individual. No matter how sorry you feel for yourself at 2:00 am you have to just get up and do what needs to be done. You can’t be whiny and throw a pity party every time they impinge on your schedule. You’re allowed to get cranky, even go a little crazy but you gotta hang on. There are times when I feel overwhelmed and not up to par. I’m not saying all this is easy. Lord knows that I’ve been really angry, unreasonably so at times. During the heat of the moment rational thought isn’t always accessible. For this reason self forgiveness is something you should get comfortable with.

I’ve learned through the rigors of medical school and residency not think too hard about the really tough times but to just schedule little breaks and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think the same thing goes for parenting. When it’s a long sleepless night, I just tell myself that it’s all right. I hold an image of a hot steamy mug of coffee in my mind and know that the desperate feeling will pass. It always does. It also helps to find other couples with kids. These people will be your lifeline. They will offer you support, humor, perspective and make this crazy beautiful world of parenting a little easier. Would I do it again? A thousand times over. Wouldn’t you?

Sheila Cason, MD

Daddy’s Kids

Last weekend Daddy and his little girl put her bike together. Poor thing she’d been waiting since we moved here and other things always seemed to take precedence. One day she just piped up… right in the middle of the football game. He couldn’t resist. Soon all the tools and her bike were strewn about and all three kids jumped at the chance of a project with Daddy. I thought the kids would scream and fuss and fight but they managed beautifully… without me.

I’m always amazed at the differences in parenting and I get myself in trouble when I think it has to be done my way to be correct. The secret to a couple successfully parenting together is respecting your differences and going with the flow. It’s reasonable to expect that if it isn’t done by you it will be different. But it isn’t necessarily wrong. A great article in Psychology Today talks about the father’s role in parenting their children.

Here are some of the highlights:

“[A fathers’] …more playful, jocular approach carries major consequences for
developing children. Where the "average" mother cushions her baby against
irritating stimulation, the "average" father heaps it on, consistently producing
a broader range of arousal. The resulting ups and downs force children to
"stretch," emotionally and physically.”

“This emotion-stretching dynamic becomes more pronounced as father-child relationships enter into their second and third years. When playing, fathers tend to be more physical with their toddlers--wrestling, playing tag, and so on--while mothers emphasize verbal exchanges and interacting with objects, like toys. In nearly all instances. fathers are much more likely "to get children worked up, negatively or positively, with fear as well as delight, forcing them to learn to regulate their feelings." In a sense, then, fathers push children to cope with the world outside the mother-child bond. Fathering behavior also seems to make children develop emotional communication skills.” They do this in three steps.

“First, children learn how to "read" their father's emotions via his facial
expressions, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues, and respond accordingly.
Is Daddy really going to chase me down and gobble me up, or is he joking? Did I
really hurt Daddy by poking him in the eye? Is Daddy in the mood to play, or is
he tired?”

“Second, children learn how to clearly communicate their own emotions to others. One common example is the child who by crying lets her daddy know that he's laying too roughly or is scaring her. Kids also learn to indicate when interactions aren't stimulating enough; they'll show they've lost interest by not responding or wandering off.”

“Finally, children learn how to "listen" to their own emotional state. For instance, a child soon learns that if he becomes too "worked up" and begins to cry, he may in effect drive his play partner away.”

“The consequences of such emotional mastery are far-reaching. By successfully coping with stimulating, emotionally stretching interactions, children learn that they can indeed effect change both on internal matters (their feelings) and in the outside world (their father's actions). In that regard, links have been found between the quality of father-child interactions and a child's later development of certain life skills, including an ability to manage frustration, a willingness to explore new things and activities, and persistence in problem solving. As important as learning to regulate the emotional intensity of their interactions is children's ability to master the larger interactive process, the give and take that makes up social communication. Kids who learn how to decode and encode emotions early on will be better off later when it comes to any social encounter.”

Wow all that huh? Who knew? Daddy’s projects with the kids almost always go smoother than I thought it would. There’s something about watching your husband with your kids that makes you appreciate a different method of parenting. But if you micro manage the way he interacts with them you’ll find this discourages his involvement. If you can welcome your differences your family will flourish. The article reminds us of this when they later say that families “…should take advantage of the difference[s] between men's and women's parenting approaches. Since fathers' boisterous antics seem to help prepare children for life outside the family, mothers shouldn't cancel this out by intervening or being overly protective.”

I didn’t intervene… this time… and the bike got put together. And she loved it. She hopped right on and proudly puttered around the patio.

Sheila Cason, MD